The Language of Love and Respect by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs

This is another book I have been reading for a book review for Thomas Nelson Publishing. Over the next few days I will be writing about it. I highly recommend it!!!

Dr. Eggerichs says that couples fall into one of three cycles in a relationship: the crazy cycle, the energizing cycle, or the rewarded cycle. The crazy cycle is summed up like this: without love she reacts without respect. Without respect, he reacts without love. Therefore love and respect is based on our reactions. The crazy cycle happens when spouses focus on their own needs and overlook the needs of the other. Each spouse needs to commit to unconditional love for each other no matter what. The energizing cycle is summed up like this: His love motivates her respect. Her respect motivates his love. This can be accomplished when couples are on following the love and respect principles which are laid out in this book and summed up in the acronym c-o-u-p-l-e for the wife and c-h-a-i-r-s for the man.

C- closeness. O- openness. U- understanding. P- peacemaking. L- loyalty. E- esteem.
C- conquest. H- hierarchy. A- authority. I- insight. R- sexuality.

A check-up questionnaire that each couple can use to keep themselves in check is as follows.

For the husband:
C- closeness. Have I been moving toward my wife or away from her? Realizing her deep need to share with me, have I set aside time to talk to her face to face? Do I tell her on a regular basis that I love her, admire her, and appreciate her- or do I save those remarks for when I want sex?
O- openness. Do I share my thoughts and problems with her, or do I keep things to myself to prove I am strong and capable? Do I come across as irritated or angry when she tries to draw herself out, or am I open and transparent when she shows concern or curiosity? Do I turn my spirit more toward TV and the newspaper than toward the heart of my wife?
U- understanding. When she shares her concerns and problems, do I tend to listen and let her talk, or do I try to "fix" her or what is wrong? Do I see my wife as made of porcelain or other fine china, or do I treat her like she is made of cast iron? Do I increasingly see that "just talking" is key to making her feel understood? Do I understand that talking is as important to my wife as sex is to me?
P- peacemaking. Do I tend to talk things through and resolve issues, or do I tend to say, "Let's just drop it and move on"? When my wife expresses hurt or anger, do I easily say, "I'm sorry. I was wrong."- or do I tend to get defensive, and express hurt and anger myself? Do I really understand how saying "I'm sorry" touches her deeply and makes her feel connected like few things do?
L- loyalty. Do I look for ways to express my loyalty to her alone, or do I tend to think, "She knows I love her. I don't have to remind her constantly"? In this "swimsuit issue" world, do I openly admire pretty women because I know my wife is secure and can handle it, or do I save my admiration for her alone? My wife is a one-man woman, but is she absolutely sure I am a one-woman man? Do I understand that assurance of my loyalty calms her soul like few things can?
E- esteem. Does my wife feel treasured, like most loved women on earth, or is there work for me to do in this area? Do I take my wife's efforts with the family for granted, or do I often let her know "Thanks for everything you do for me and the kids. I could never, ever do your job!" Do I always remember how important birthdays and anniversaries are to my wife, or do I sometimes get busy and forget? Do I remind myself how energizing it is to her to be referred to as my equal?

A wife can ask herself the following questions on a regular basis:

C- conquest. Does my husband know I am behind his desire to work? Do I support him in his endeavor? Do I really understand how important his job is to him- that is the very warp and woof of his being? Do I realize that my recognition of the significance of my husband's work energizes him and how fond feelings of affection for me arise in him in response to this recognition?
H- hierarchy. Do I express my respect and appreciation for his sense of responsibility for me, or do I either openly or subtly resent the biblical concept of the husband's headship, feeling that my husband views headship as a right over me, not a responsibility for me? Am I willing to send my husband a card or note to tell him how much I respect him? What would I say to thank him for his desire to take care of me? Do I fully understand how such a statement of respect for his commitment to protect me can touch him deeply?
A- authority. Do I let my husband know that, because he has the responsibility to protect and provide for me, I recognize he also has primary authority in our family, or do I insist on an "egalitarian" marriage where we both have equal authority, yet I contradict "egalitarianism" by expecting him to be primarily responsible? Do I recognize my husband's desire to be the leader in relationship to me? Do I allow my husband to be the leader, or do I take the lead because, frankly, I am better at a lot of things than he is? Am I on record with my husband that, because he has 51 percent of the responsibility, he has 51 percent of the authority?
I- insight. Do I tend to turn to him for his opinion and analysis, or do I tend to depend more on my intuition? Do I realize that we are a team-that our marriage needs my intuition and his insight? Do I regularly ask for my husband's advice? Do I follow it? If my husband offers ideas or opinions that are contrary to mine, am I open to changing, or do I reject out of hand his wish to offer insight? Do I often see my husband as wrong, sinful, and in need of correction and myself as right, good, and correct? Do I sometimes try to be my husband's Holy Spirit?
R- relationship. How much shoulder-to-shoulder time do I spend with my husband? Do we do things together as friends and companions? Do I ever just sit with him-to watch a ball game or a TV program- because I understand his desire for me to be with him? Do I ever just sit and watch him work on something without having to talk?
S- sexuality. Do I understand that my husband's need for sex is really and indication of his deeper need for respect? Do I sometimes deprive my husband of sex because I don't feel he meets my need for intimacy and love? Do I think we need to be close before we can share sexually, or do I see having sex with him as a way to feel close? Am I willing to give my husband the sexual release he needs even when I am not in the mood?

As I type this entire set of questions for women I am convicted that I have been guilty of not giving my husband the respect he deserves and I need to ask the Holy Spirit to faithfully obey the Word of God concerning this issue in my life. I hope that as I read and post more about this book that it will be as big of a help to you as it is to me.

Identity Crisis

How many of you out there have found yourselves in some kind of identity crisis at some point in your life? I have and my husband and I are both struggling right now. The Lord has placed us outside of our comfort zone in a community that hates everything about Christ and would rather our little church not even be here. I grew up in Texas and my husband in Indiana. We never believed that the Lord would place us in upstate New York where we are persecuted for the gospels sake. In fact this being a tourist community, many people visit our little church, and have said that this is by far a mission field that is even harder than a place like Africa. I home school our children and there are no other home schoolers in our area. We are far away from family and it a very cold and lonely place. When the church called us they told us that we were the only gospel witness for at least 60 miles and I did not understand. They told us how hard it would be and we still did not understand. Recently, we went through the loss of our 6th child through a partial molar pregnancy. I have a link on the side that explains what a partial molar pregnancy is and how rare it is. For the past 10 years I have either been pregnant or nursing. We have 5 children. I always had problem free pregnancies and had finally adjusted to the fact that I would continue to have many children and great pregnancies. My identity was in motherhood and in bearing children for the glory of God. Now I cannot conceive for at least a year and don't know what to do with myself. That may seem strange to some, but to me there was only about a one month gap sometimes after nursing before conceiving again. My children have no other friends or activities that we can participate in. I teach school, clean house, read my Bible, and cook. That is what motherhood is all about, but I am sad and lonely. My husband has grown so much theologically that he is also having an identity crisis. Those who have husbands who are pastors will understand. He is also lonely for fellowship with other pastors and just wants to fit in somewhere. My comfort is found in Christ alone and my husband and I really need to meditate on that fact. He gives and He takes away and I mean it when I say, "Praise His name". He does all things for His glory and He is now drawing us to Himself to find our identity in Him alone. One of my favorite songs is by Keith and Kristin Getty, In Christ Alone. I need to add that to my blog.

Watch Born To Breed on YouTube

http://jeubfamily.com/2009/11/24/born-to-breed-posted-in-its-entirety-on-youtube/

Great show on the quiverful movement.

Happy 7th Birthday, Kara

Book Review: The Silent Gift by Michael Landon Jr. and Cindy Kelley

Recently I have been engrossed in The Silent Gift. From the beginning, I have been captivated. The plot is full of unexpected twists and turns. It never continues the way I expect it to go which is why it is hard to put down. The book is about a young lady and her son who is a deaf-mute. Without giving away much of the plot, the lady and her child find themselves in places in which they never anticipated or wanted to be. Along the journey they discover a very special gift that Jack, the boy has that helps others. They also meet many people providentially through the circumstances they are forced to endure and through the gift that Jack has. Mary, the young lady, discovers much about herself and realizes that even though she has a deaf-mute child that he is a special gift from God. He not only is a special gift from God to Mary, but to many others, as he helps them through his unusual gift from God.
I would recommend this book to others because it is captivating and well written. Many novels are just about romance and this one is not and that is why I was drawn to select it from Bethany House Publishers for a book review.

Anger

Do you ever find yourself at a stand still with your children concerning anger in either yourself or your children? I admit that I do. It is far easier to be unfair or to yell because I don't want to take the time necessary to find out what the heart of the issue is. However, the Bible teaches us something different, "he who loves his children will discipline them", "a soft answer turns away wrath", "do not provoke your children to wrath", "the heart of the wise ponders how to answer", and "the heart of the wise teaches his mouth and adds learning to his lips". I recently purchased a book that came highly recommended by many friends that will address these issues that I struggle with and am sure that many other mothers struggle with as well. The name of the book is The Heart of Anger by Lou Priolo. As I read this book I will enlighten other moms as to the wisdom that I will be learning. Motherhood is a journey that I am currently on and am excited to share the wisdom and struggles that I face on a daily basis to hopefully help other moms on this same journey.

Joshua