Monday, March 29, 2010

Is Your Confidence In The Lord Or Your Circumstances?

Our lives for the most part are pretty ordinary, routine, and mundane.  We get up each morning, get dressed, spend time with the Lord, and start our routines thinking that today will not be much different than yesterday.  We do not plan on getting sick, caring for sick ones in our families, losing our jobs, losing our spouses, seeing others suffer all around us, or enduring other trials.  However, trials are a very real part of our lives.  For those who are repenting of their sins and trusting in Christ alone for their salvation they draw us near to Jesus.  Jesus went to the cross for us and endured the greatest suffering of all.  We are created to glorify God and enjoy Him forever no matter what trial we may go through in our lives.  We are to trust in the Lord with all of our hearts and not lean on our own understanding, but acknowledge Him in all our ways and He will direct our paths (Prov. 3:4-5).

Many times we plan our days thinking that we are going to do certain things and are confident that certain things in life will work out.  We assume that all will always be well.  We live as though we will never die or get sick.  We think that we can decide on what our plans for life will be.  We will graduate from high school, go on to college, get married, work for a while, and then have children.  This is all what society teaches us.  We are taught that we are in control of our destinies.

When I first married my wonderful husband we were in Bible college and decided to wait a little while to have children.  After a time when we were ready we would start trying.  All this time I was thinking that it would happen on my schedule.  God had other plans.  We ended up having to seek out an infertility specialist.  Four and a half years later our first child was born 7 weeks early.  Once again this was not my schedule.  Didn't the Lord know that I had to work that day and that I was actually starting to like looking pregnant?  I wasn't ready to deliver our baby yet.  I still had another 7 weeks to go.  It all ended up turning out fine, but had me petrified in the whole process.  Then we decided to go to seminary and once again wait to have children.  When we were ready we would try again (assuming that we would need to see a fertility specialist again) and low and behold I was now Fertile Mertile!  Our oldest was 15 months when I conceived our second child and then again our second child was only 10 months (I was still nursing) when I conceived our third child.  Still not totally convinced that I was not in control of all of this, we decided to try again for a fourth child and ended up conceiving after three months of trying.  At this point we were starting to see that God was in control and we were really fine with that.  Right on schedule we conceived our fifth child.  I was starting to become rather confident that I was either going to deliver a child every 19 months or 26 months, so we were not surprised when I conceived our sixth child.   I always had wonderful pregnancies and nothing was ever wrong.  However, I was being prideful once again and living my life assuming that all would always be well and that one day I would have a large family with 7 or 8 children since I was only 35 and pregnant with our 6th child.  Then on November 11th this past year my world came crashing down when I went to the doctor and had our sonogram only to find out that our baby was dead and that I needed to schedule a d&c because it was a partial molar pregnancy and that I had to have my hcg levels checked weekly then monthly for 1 year with no conceptions!  That was all more than I could take.  How could I, who always had picture perfect pregnancies, have a miscarriage at 10 weeks?  I was suppose to be pregnant now and preparing for delivery around June 10th and not on birth control waiting to conceive for 1 year.  Didn't the Lord know just how strong I felt about birth control and that I was Fertile Mertile?  Didn't He know that both my husband and I had finally come to the conclusion that the He was in control of my womb?  Where did this trial come from and was I ready to go through this kind of trial?  It came from the Lord, who gave me the ability to say at the hospital and still today, "blessed be the name of the Lord.  He gives and He takes away, blessed be His name."  I said and meant that in all confidence.  Two months later, I found out that I had glaucoma and I was only 35!  How many 35 year old's have glaucoma especially when it is not in their family?  35 year olds are suppose to be healthy and not have these kind of problems.  Din't the Lord know that this was an old persons disease and that I was not old?  Of course, He did.  I was placing my confidence in my vision and not in the Lord who is in control of my vision.

Even though we may plan our days, the Lord directs our steps.  He knows all things and has all things already planned out.  He is in control of all things.  Trust in Him.  He uses times like these to draw us close to Himself and to glorify Himself.  Hide yourself in the shadow of His wings.  The Lord is full of mercy and compassion.  If you are going through a trial that seems too difficult to bear cast you burdens on the Lord, for He cares for you.  He loves you and is conforming you to His image.  This trial did not take Him by surprise.  He is controlling all things.  This life that we are living is not about our comfort, but His glory.  Rest in Him today and every day.  It is okay to weep and to be sad.  There are still many day where I still find myself wondering why this had to happen and watching other bloggers pregnancy's progress.  Sadly to say, I sometimes find myself jealous that I, too, am not pregnant.  This seems to happen when I take my eyes off of Jesus and place them on my circumstances.  Fix my eyes on Jesus, He is the author and finisher of my faith, is what I need to do.  Find your rest, comfort, and solace in Him.  He cares for you like no other.


MommaMindy said...

Thank you for sharing your story and what you have learned through trials and tribulations. You know, they are an answer to your prayers. I

KNOW you have asked the Lord to make you like His Son, you asked Him to use you, to change you, to help you to win and encourage souls.

He's making you fit for the work your heart longs to do. When we prayed in our zeal, we just didn't understand the painful processes the Lord would have to use to answer those prayers.

I love how you understand His workings in your life, and praise Him through all of these things. Press on, sister!

Hollinger Family said...

Your blog name fits you well! Thanks for being open with what you have faced, are facing. You have been a blessing to get to know...
from one mom to another,
many blessings to you and yours,